This has been running through my head constantly since I was a kid. Every time I disappointed my grandparents, parents, boyfriends, friends, I would run this story on a loop. And my brain would pick out ALL the times when this was quote unquote true. I soon learned how to put others ahead of my own needs, providing them with a pedestal to stand over me.
When my previous relationships broke down (2 serious ones), it made me question whether I could be with anyone. (I know, I went out with 2 guys who broke my heart and now I question if I can be with anyone.) It’s ridiculous right? But when you keep playing the same old tune to yourself, with your brain backing it up with some legit examples, you really start to think it’s true.
Even now when I go on Hinge, the dating app, I look through the slew of guys who have commented or liked my photos, and think to myself, Well, there’s no point because I’m unlovable.
This goes on and on. And it gets harder because I compare myself to others online. (WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF?) It’s like I want to perpetuate the loop so I’ll never go anywhere.
There Was a Point…
Three years ago I received a great lesson in learning to love myself. This situation planted a seed.
Right after I stood up for myself against my ex (British guy who had already dumped me once before when I was grieving my dad’s death — I KNOW) we mutually broke up. From that moment, it felt like I’d been released from a prison I had constructed for myself.
I felt light.
I didn’t even miss him.
I was thrilled to be alone. (But mostly away from him.)
Oddly, the breakup became a super painful point in my life because the last encounter I had with my ex was him lambasting me in public, but I am so, SO grateful it happened.
Because from that point on, I worked on making myself feel better. I attended a silent meditation retreat, took off for Europe, and came back to find an amazing #bossbabe tribe waiting for me.
I have those moments where I look at myself in the mirror and still think: I’m unlovable. So what do I do when I feel this down?
- I put on music and dance around (music has always lifted my spirits)
- I bake (though I try to bake healthier things cuz I WILL eat it all in one sitting)
- I read books (usually comedic books by Marian Keyes, Kathy Griffin’s memoir, etc)
- I cry (it just feels right to cry at times, you’re releasing all the shit you’ve been holding on to)
- I go for a walk in nature (if I can, I go barefoot somewhere because the feeling of grass under your feet, or water swishing around your toes is AH-MAZING)
- I meditate (this has helped me through SO much)
(Note: what I don’t do is seek adulation from others at this point. Yes, it would be amazing to be told you’re awesome, but that’s just external noise. I need to deal with the noise INSIDE my head first before I can listen to everyone else.)
I basically do everything I can to build a better relationship/connection with my damn SELF. When we can love ourselves fully — with every flaw, zit, wrinkle, muffin-top, thunder thighs, batwings, whatever — there will be others who’ll see that spark and RESPECT IT. Cuz you’re respecting yourself first.
And who doesn’t love a badass woman who knows she’s got flaws but CAN STILL WERK IT?