“I have no clue what I’m doing. In life, career, or love.”

Growing up, it always felt like everyone had received a handbook for life but I didn’t get mine. I desperately grasped at different careers because I wanted to appear like I knew what I was doing.

For me, I believed I knew what I wanted to do for the longest time – i.e. be a dancer – but when that dream was ripped out from under my feet, I faced an abyss of decisions. I couldn’t even consult a handbook because mine was missing.

As I wrote in an earlier post, I grew up dancing. It was the love of my life, until it smacked me across the face. My goal was to graduate with a Fine Arts degree. Then, when I had to leave the dance program, I felt adrift in a sea of options. I was so lost.

Ping-Ponging All Over the Place

I eventually chose Linguistics, because of my love of languages but the program wasn’t geared towards translators. Then I pounced on Marketing because I fell in love with X1 and decided to move there. Cut to working in the fashion industry (and realizing how insane it was), working for startups, conferences, and agencies until now.

Even today, there are days when I wake up and feel like I’m on the precipice of something. And I’m looking into an abyss of choices.

Yet, I have no clue what to do next. Because my handbook is still missing.

Turning Inwards

In the past 2 years, I became more spiritual, learning to meditate and turn inwards for answers, even going to silent retreats, and travelling overseas. All of these methodologies are meant to help one look internally for an answer that isn’t available outwardly.

And do you know what I heard when I turned inwards? Nothing.

Seriously. I would meditate in the mornings and beat away all the ‘thoughts’ that flooded me the moment I closed my eyes. When everything was quiet, and I looked into that abyss within, I still saw and heard nothing. (And hey, I’ve even consulted tarot cards, birth charts, psychics, mediums, energy healers for answers, which they have provided me.) But I never heard anything.

I almost wonder if I’m not listening hard enough.

Um…So Now What?

Recently, I told a lovely girlfriend that I had no clue what I was doing – in life, work, or love. And she thanked me for being open about it. I was surprised to hear she felt the same way because she always seemed to be guided in everything she does. Like she got a guidebook or something when she signed up for life.

Even though I go through the motions of a ‘normal’ day, there’s a voice in the back of my mind saying, no, DEMANDING to know what’s going to happen next.

Because I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing. I mean, I freaking consult astrology to see if I can find THE answer. (And don’t tell me the answer to life is 42 cuz I’ve read that book.) In my head, there’s something truly unsettling staring into the blackness and saying, I have no clue what to do next.

No, Really…Now What?

How do I quell this uncertainty? Well, there are good days and bad days. The good days involve just living in the moment, feeling appreciative for all that I do have, rather than looking for something to fill the void inside me. Then there are the bad days. The ones where I feel like everything I do is pushing me to that brink of insanity. Where it all feels like life is falling apart.

I have to keep reminding myself life really isn’t falling apart though. It’s just my brain making me believe it.

And when I feel that way, I try to go back to being grateful for what’s in my life. I’ve also spoken to a few of my friends who tell me it’s ok to meditate and not see anything. To only see and hear static. Maybe it’s because there isn’t really anything for me to do except be in the moment then, or maybe my antennae are broken. Who really knows?

Either way, I’m resolving myself to accept the uncertainty (hey, the universe has amazing surprises in store, right? RIGHT?), and just create situations that bring more fun into my life.

Cuz isn’t that what we’re here to do?